Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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