Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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