if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
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