I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
