if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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