Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
