CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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