I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think I sprained my soul last night
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Is her dick bigger than yours?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
