do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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