this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
