great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
