you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
