how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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