I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
