what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
