Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
