He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I yelled at your uterus for you.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
