I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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