I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
