Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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