The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
