Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
