I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
