I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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