Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
