i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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