He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize