DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
