my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
