Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
