my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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