mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
