I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
