I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
