Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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