Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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