3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
