There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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