Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
