Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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