If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
