I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
