i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Randomize
