I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I believe in your delicious
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
