I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
