How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
my sisters under your porch take her home
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
