there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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