Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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