Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
