When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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