Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
