you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
