I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize