So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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