The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
